Six modern pop culture things that I am sick of (and you should be, too).

Pop culture is constantly changing as time goes on. New phrases, looks, media and whatever else are being introduced to the world as the "next big thing," in a sort of out-with-the-old in-with-the-new sort of thing, leaving the time weathered and worn pieces of culture to be discarded, only to be held on to by the last few people who weren't aware of the changing times (looking at you, late 80's disco people).

"Only makes love to Bee Gees songs"

However, some of these fashions last a little too long, even by the majority. Now, I'm not talking about awesome acid washed jeans or rat tails, both of which are perfectly acceptable whenever you are, but things that never made much sense in the first place. So, I bring to you some items of current popular culture that should have gone the way of tech vests and valley girl style a long time ago.

1.  Like a Boss

This one has actually been around for a while. The first time I heard it was in the John Cusack movie "Better Off Dead," with Amanda Wyss' character talking about how she would go out with ski team captain Roy Stalin because "he's so boss." 

"Also rapes on the first date"

This seems pretty inoffensive; I mean, he is the captain of the Greendale High School Ski Team, which is kind of like a "boss" position, and he also plays guitar and skis the K-12. However, that is probably the most least-suitable-yet-still-acceptable usage of the phrase. Nowadays, it has somehow twisted into meaning somebody is awesome and admired, which is nothing like any boss I have had, and neither have you.  

"You'll clean Mr. Tibbles' poop and like it!"

Unless you are trying to say it is now cool to make you work late without pay and force you to babysit a cat for the weekend, I suggest we stop using "like a boss" for things we enjoy.

2.  Epic

Look the word epic up in the dictionary. I already have, but you are on a computer and should be able to do it yourself just fine.  But if you are lazy, I will just say that it pretty much can be summed up as any mixture of the words long, heroic, impressively great, and poetic. In my mind, very few things can be described this way outside of the cosmos, Lord of the Rings, and the 80's toy line Dino-Riders.  

"Appropriate use of the word epic"

Today, people are using epic to describe any number of mediocre things, such as getting out of work early, doing a handstand for more than 12 seconds, or when Aunt Helen fell off the Nordictrack. Is it nitpicking? Maybe, but I think people need to stop blowing things out of proportion, if only to save us from the disappointment felt when the true mediocrity of a situation is realized. If you tell me two guys had an epic fight and it did not involve swords, axes, or being shoulder deep down a velociraptor's throat that is also down the throat of a dragon, I am going to find it very hard to trust you ever again, or at least be convinced that the highlight of your day is typically finding leftover pizza after your shift at Chuck E Cheese's.

3.  Mustaches everywhere!

Let me first point out that I have nothing against facial hair. If you have the face for it, sport whatever you want, but be aware that mustaches are tricky in the first place. Few people beyond Magnum P.I. and Ron Swanson make it look like a desirable option to cover up those cold sores, but we are starting to see them take a different form. 

"It's pretty much its own character at this point"

I can respect that November has been turned into Movember, a prostate cancer awareness month that encourages donning a mustache to show your support, much like anything pink for breast cancer. What I find it hard to tolerate are the thousands of people who find it hilarious to attach a fake mustache to almost anything, including tattoos on fingers, throughout the entire year (and probably the rest of their lives). It isn't a funny thing to do, and it never was. Girls, trust me, it isn't cool or attractive to see you pop a handlebar mustache on that already slightly hairy lip that nobody informs you of, and guys, just grow one for yourself.  

I am not exactly sure when this became a thing, and I also do not fully understand why it did, but right now there are at least 1600 people who are wishing they would have just got that "Exit Only" tattoo above their anus instead.  

4.  Instagram

Although the basis for the technology of a camera has been around for centuries, the first successful fixed image was taken by a camera in 1816. Since then, great strides have been made so that you are able to take the clearest picture possible, even on your damn cell phone.  

"Shortly before the first crotch shot"

Eventually, Instagram made its way to the scene. According to a recent study I just made up, at least 68% of social networking users also use Instagram, almost exclusively as a way to stick it to those camera corporations and show you their food. I am still actually unsure as to what this product encompasses, but I am forced to sift through the many pictures that are made worse through its use. Personally, I take pictures so that I can capture memories, or so I can get candid photos of Steven Baldwin on the toilet to sell on eBay. What I don't want is to look back at my pictures and wonder why I smeared motor oil on the lens and used five different colored light bulbs before I took a shot of my dog eating cat poop. It may be a convenient place to store and share photos, but not at the expense that you force everyone you know to look at what looks like a sort of colored, saturated daguerreotype of the most uninteresting aspects of your life. 

But it's so deep

It isn't fooling anyone when you add a "vintage" filter on your photos, and it definitely won't get you noticed anymore than all of the other people who take the same picture using the same program. Instagram is to pictures what Russell Crowe was to music, and that is pure crap.

5.  Keep Calm and Shut the Hell Up

This one started out innocently enough. In 1939, Britain expected to get the crap bombed out of them by Germany, and introduced a motivational poster to improve the morale of the people, stating "Keep Calm and Carry On." Fast forward to the year 2000, where the posters are rediscovered and mass published so as not to be forgotten, or a trivialized moment in British history. Sounds like a noble enough cause, only every douchebag in the world decided to use it and slap it on any piece of merchandise they could to make a buck, quickly going the route of the "Propery of ______ Athletics" and "No Fear" products (only with a little more history, if you count British history as an actual thing).  

"Probably why they found Hitler with a batarang shoved in his mouth...and Robin's pantyhose"

It's understandable that some people would want an important piece of their past remembered, but it probably waters down the message a little bit when you change the words to "Keep Calm and Bowl" and mass produce the shit out of it. But hey, that is what we do here in the United States, over-saturate the market with a product as much as we can, a lot like...

6.  Bacon

Now, I must admit that being a vegetarian, I do not eat bacon. This does not mean, however that I never ate it, but it did play a part in me not wanting to eat strips of what is kind of a disgusting animal. That should be the end of the story, but lately bacon has taken almost a deity status, exalted above all other foods as a delicacy beyond reproach. To say you do not eat or care for bacon today is akin to painting a mural of the prophet Muhammad in Mecca while allowing a female stripper to teach kids about US history.  

"Probably just upset about the Zimmerman trial"

It wasn't always like this. Once upon a time, you went to a diner for breakfast, ordered bacon and eggs with a cup of black coffee, and ate your meal while your wife cleaned the floors back home. Now, a banner is rolled out and confetti flies as a mound of bacon is brought to you by James Hetfield and you are given a trophy...which incidentally is all bacon.

"He also does Bar Mitzvah's"

There are now such products as bacon gum, bacon lip balm, bacon spread, and all sorts of other things that make me sound like I am best friends with a mildly retarded shrimp boat captain who runs across the country for fun. Is any of it good?  I don't know, because I don't want to try a product that comes from what is basically fatty strips from Zuckerman's famous pig's belly. You can eat what you want, but I don't think there is any need to glorify anything about bacon that isn't preceded by the name Kevin.

"Man, what a slice"