Be a Fan, Not an Idiot.

     The New York Jets were my first favorite professional sports team, just to get that out of the way.  That may be shocking to those that have known me as a die hard San Francisco 49ers fan, but hold up a minute; I was probably about 5 years old, and hadn't quite grasped what football was.  All I knew was that I loved planes, and that was pretty much the only deciding factor in choosing where my loyalty went.  It probably helped that the NFL Huddles (cartoon versions of the NFL mascots made with the intention of drawing in children) and related merchandise hooked me like the materialistic little bastard I was.

Probably a better quarterback choice than Mark Sanchez

     That little guy flew into my life and came in for a landing right in my heart.  The Huddles were the stars of four NFL children's books about teamwork and fair play, which is an important thing to teach a kid so that he doesn't drop kick people during a regional Spelling Bee (by the way, I am so sorry, Brandon).  My love for everything crimson and gold didn't come until I had actually been informed that there was more to football than that, and realized that when I played, I enjoyed making those difficult catches the most, so naturally I gravitated towards the greatest wide receiver, Jerry Rice.  As a matter of fact, not a single favorite sports team of mine wasn't influenced by basically clever marketing.  Remember Starting Lineup figures?

They aren't dolls, they are action figures

     That is Darryl Strawberry, my first out of many Starting Lineup figures. See, I liked the Mets at the time, because this fellow was my first sports figure, the orange and blue color scheme was pleasing to my eyes, and if I used it during one of the freestyle rap battles about my favorite teams I was fond of when I was 8 years old, I could easily rhyme it with Jets. This guy was followed up shortly by two Jets figures, a St. Louis Cardinals figure, and then 49ers and Cubs figures. So you can see, I already had a fondness for random members of teams before I actually chose a favorite.  

     Eventually, as stated, I actually learned what these sports were and chose my respective favorite teams. Growing up in North Dakota, I didn't feel any obligation to a local team outside of college sports, so I had the luxury of picking whichever team I wanted - 49ers, Cubs, and Calgary Flames for hockey. But I wasn't quite a fanatic about those teams, just about the sport. Why? Because in my still developing mind, all of these athletes were doing amazing things, and carrying on legacies set years before they were even born, so that was enough to captivate me. It also helped that while my father and brother had their favorite teams, they were both fans of the sports themselves.  It was easy to find random teams' baseball caps lying around the house, or my brother collecting as many players' cards as he could just to get them all. Needless to say, I took notice. I loved the game, but I also loved the colors, the sounds, and the feeling you get when you are surrounded by thousands of fans, feeling the tension and excitement that come along with watching two rival teams go head to head. There was nothing like it, and it was something I could do with the other men in my family, so you could say it was almost a rite of passage.  

Whatever the opposite of this was, I was that

     Eventually, as children tend to do, I became an older child, and by that I mean a teenager. New first world problems and all to deal with, along with some of the old ones, like wetting the bed (that's normal, right?). Some of those problems included every single sports team that wasn't the one I was rooting for. I found myself hating Minnesota fans, because I was surrounded by them, and they were just as belligerent as I was. Probably more so, because what kind of person paints themselves purple, wears a horned hat and braids their hair?

Not, uh, not this guy.  I was talking about...some other, smaller guy.

     I did a complete turnaround. I was so focused on hating everyone else, I couldn't actually enjoy the game unless my team beat all others by 255 points or more, went to their houses and kicked their pets, and took over a small country. Incidentally, this is also around the time I noticed that my teams were performing increasingly worse. Coincidence? Of course, but it was ironic at the least. I didn't really let it affect the rest of my life, I mean, at least with the Cubs I was used to all of the losing, but I would still act like a typical trash talking idiot during the games. The worst part? There were a lot of great teams that I was either ignoring or spending way too much time hating, and even more great players and fans that were undeserving of that hostility.  

     Unfortunately, I played that role for much longer than I would like to admit. I can't quite recall if there was any one thing that helped me let go of that animosity, but I do know that remembering my love of the game helped a lot. It was the little things at first, like applauding when a receiver made a great catch or seeing a forward juke a goalie out of his mind with the puck, and eventually grew from there. It was only a few days ago I thought about buying a Baltimore Orioles hat in memory of one of my favorite baseball players (remembering all fo the cards I had of him), that of Cal Ripken Jr. It's such a relief when you realize that hating other teams doesn't make you a fan, it just makes you a jerk. That is what bothers me so much about fans these days: people in crowds have moved on from just yelling and cursing, to fighting, stabbing and shooting. That is indicative of a larger problem with society, and it should be kept off the field/arena/court/wherever. It is just a game, and has little to no bearing on your life. Sure, a little ribbing around the water cooler or at the bar is expected. I often have a little fun at my father's or brother's expense when my Niners beat their teams, usually followed by "I'm just kidding, it was a good game," not "I  hope your team dies in a horrible steel mill accident and they come back as ghosts and play death metal while you are trying to sleep." I don't say things like that because every athlete on that field is trying to do great things, and they have earned their position just as much as anyone on my teams. Also, I like to be civil to other fans, because every time I watch a game now, I get the same feeling I did when I was a growing up. I enjoy the sights, the sounds, the colors, the feeling of being surrounded by thousands of fans, and the tension and excitement that comes along with two rival teams going head to head. I remember that it makes me feel like a kid, as it should for other fans and athletes, and kids aren't belligerent fans. After all, it is just a game.  

Six modern pop culture things that I am sick of (and you should be, too).

Pop culture is constantly changing as time goes on. New phrases, looks, media and whatever else are being introduced to the world as the "next big thing," in a sort of out-with-the-old in-with-the-new sort of thing, leaving the time weathered and worn pieces of culture to be discarded, only to be held on to by the last few people who weren't aware of the changing times (looking at you, late 80's disco people).

"Only makes love to Bee Gees songs"

However, some of these fashions last a little too long, even by the majority. Now, I'm not talking about awesome acid washed jeans or rat tails, both of which are perfectly acceptable whenever you are, but things that never made much sense in the first place. So, I bring to you some items of current popular culture that should have gone the way of tech vests and valley girl style a long time ago.

1.  Like a Boss

This one has actually been around for a while. The first time I heard it was in the John Cusack movie "Better Off Dead," with Amanda Wyss' character talking about how she would go out with ski team captain Roy Stalin because "he's so boss." 

"Also rapes on the first date"

This seems pretty inoffensive; I mean, he is the captain of the Greendale High School Ski Team, which is kind of like a "boss" position, and he also plays guitar and skis the K-12. However, that is probably the most least-suitable-yet-still-acceptable usage of the phrase. Nowadays, it has somehow twisted into meaning somebody is awesome and admired, which is nothing like any boss I have had, and neither have you.  

"You'll clean Mr. Tibbles' poop and like it!"

Unless you are trying to say it is now cool to make you work late without pay and force you to babysit a cat for the weekend, I suggest we stop using "like a boss" for things we enjoy.

2.  Epic

Look the word epic up in the dictionary. I already have, but you are on a computer and should be able to do it yourself just fine.  But if you are lazy, I will just say that it pretty much can be summed up as any mixture of the words long, heroic, impressively great, and poetic. In my mind, very few things can be described this way outside of the cosmos, Lord of the Rings, and the 80's toy line Dino-Riders.  

"Appropriate use of the word epic"

Today, people are using epic to describe any number of mediocre things, such as getting out of work early, doing a handstand for more than 12 seconds, or when Aunt Helen fell off the Nordictrack. Is it nitpicking? Maybe, but I think people need to stop blowing things out of proportion, if only to save us from the disappointment felt when the true mediocrity of a situation is realized. If you tell me two guys had an epic fight and it did not involve swords, axes, or being shoulder deep down a velociraptor's throat that is also down the throat of a dragon, I am going to find it very hard to trust you ever again, or at least be convinced that the highlight of your day is typically finding leftover pizza after your shift at Chuck E Cheese's.

3.  Mustaches everywhere!

Let me first point out that I have nothing against facial hair. If you have the face for it, sport whatever you want, but be aware that mustaches are tricky in the first place. Few people beyond Magnum P.I. and Ron Swanson make it look like a desirable option to cover up those cold sores, but we are starting to see them take a different form. 

"It's pretty much its own character at this point"

I can respect that November has been turned into Movember, a prostate cancer awareness month that encourages donning a mustache to show your support, much like anything pink for breast cancer. What I find it hard to tolerate are the thousands of people who find it hilarious to attach a fake mustache to almost anything, including tattoos on fingers, throughout the entire year (and probably the rest of their lives). It isn't a funny thing to do, and it never was. Girls, trust me, it isn't cool or attractive to see you pop a handlebar mustache on that already slightly hairy lip that nobody informs you of, and guys, just grow one for yourself.  

I am not exactly sure when this became a thing, and I also do not fully understand why it did, but right now there are at least 1600 people who are wishing they would have just got that "Exit Only" tattoo above their anus instead.  

4.  Instagram

Although the basis for the technology of a camera has been around for centuries, the first successful fixed image was taken by a camera in 1816. Since then, great strides have been made so that you are able to take the clearest picture possible, even on your damn cell phone.  

"Shortly before the first crotch shot"

Eventually, Instagram made its way to the scene. According to a recent study I just made up, at least 68% of social networking users also use Instagram, almost exclusively as a way to stick it to those camera corporations and show you their food. I am still actually unsure as to what this product encompasses, but I am forced to sift through the many pictures that are made worse through its use. Personally, I take pictures so that I can capture memories, or so I can get candid photos of Steven Baldwin on the toilet to sell on eBay. What I don't want is to look back at my pictures and wonder why I smeared motor oil on the lens and used five different colored light bulbs before I took a shot of my dog eating cat poop. It may be a convenient place to store and share photos, but not at the expense that you force everyone you know to look at what looks like a sort of colored, saturated daguerreotype of the most uninteresting aspects of your life. 

But it's so deep

It isn't fooling anyone when you add a "vintage" filter on your photos, and it definitely won't get you noticed anymore than all of the other people who take the same picture using the same program. Instagram is to pictures what Russell Crowe was to music, and that is pure crap.

5.  Keep Calm and Shut the Hell Up

This one started out innocently enough. In 1939, Britain expected to get the crap bombed out of them by Germany, and introduced a motivational poster to improve the morale of the people, stating "Keep Calm and Carry On." Fast forward to the year 2000, where the posters are rediscovered and mass published so as not to be forgotten, or a trivialized moment in British history. Sounds like a noble enough cause, only every douchebag in the world decided to use it and slap it on any piece of merchandise they could to make a buck, quickly going the route of the "Propery of ______ Athletics" and "No Fear" products (only with a little more history, if you count British history as an actual thing).  

"Probably why they found Hitler with a batarang shoved in his mouth...and Robin's pantyhose"

It's understandable that some people would want an important piece of their past remembered, but it probably waters down the message a little bit when you change the words to "Keep Calm and Bowl" and mass produce the shit out of it. But hey, that is what we do here in the United States, over-saturate the market with a product as much as we can, a lot like...

6.  Bacon

Now, I must admit that being a vegetarian, I do not eat bacon. This does not mean, however that I never ate it, but it did play a part in me not wanting to eat strips of what is kind of a disgusting animal. That should be the end of the story, but lately bacon has taken almost a deity status, exalted above all other foods as a delicacy beyond reproach. To say you do not eat or care for bacon today is akin to painting a mural of the prophet Muhammad in Mecca while allowing a female stripper to teach kids about US history.  

"Probably just upset about the Zimmerman trial"

It wasn't always like this. Once upon a time, you went to a diner for breakfast, ordered bacon and eggs with a cup of black coffee, and ate your meal while your wife cleaned the floors back home. Now, a banner is rolled out and confetti flies as a mound of bacon is brought to you by James Hetfield and you are given a trophy...which incidentally is all bacon.

"He also does Bar Mitzvah's"

There are now such products as bacon gum, bacon lip balm, bacon spread, and all sorts of other things that make me sound like I am best friends with a mildly retarded shrimp boat captain who runs across the country for fun. Is any of it good?  I don't know, because I don't want to try a product that comes from what is basically fatty strips from Zuckerman's famous pig's belly. You can eat what you want, but I don't think there is any need to glorify anything about bacon that isn't preceded by the name Kevin.

"Man, what a slice"

Fantastic foods, you left us too soon.

    Recently I asked my friends to give me some of their favorite discontinued foods from the past.  I am a very nostalgic person, so inherently my taste buds also miss many of my favorite treats from the past.  We all know that time takes its toll on all things, and interest in products wane, but some products seemed to end their run abruptly at what appeared to be the pinnacle of their selling point.  Well, I wanted answers, and I wanted answers for everyone I talked to as well.  I tried to get in touch with as many of the companies that I could to ask them not only why certain products went away, but if there is any possibility of a comeback.  Before I start, however, keep in mind that the entire Hostess company went out of business, so that pretty much nails the question of why Twinkies aren't around (also, Little Debbie is largely picking up the slack).  So, without further ado, here are the foods that our yearning stomachs and mouths just can't seem to let go of:

1.  Keeblers Pizzarias

I start with not only my favorite snack from the past, but also the first company I wrote to about bringing them back.  Made by the Keebler company (owned by Kellogg's), these chips rivaled Doritos any day. They were pretty big in the late 80's early 90's, flying off shelves, until one day they never came back to the shelf.  Although at least one company had tried to bring them back through limited production, they had lost the frenzy they once had.  Contacting Keebler, basically the only reason they went out of style was because, contrary to my memory, they actually weren't flying off the shelves.  Stores actually stopped ordering them, so Keebler stopped making them.  I suppose those little elves were too overworked making all of those cookies that they couldn't afford to keep poorly selling chips going as well.  I mean, they have tiny, tiny mouths to feed, too.  Unfortunately for us all, there are no plans to bring them back.  Holding that number one place for lost foods in my heart, a final goodbye to Pizzarias.  

(Pssst, hey you!  Want to sign a petition to bring these back?  Here you go http://www.petitiononline.com/p349823/petition.html.  Become part of the solution!)

2.  E.T. cereal

In 1982, E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial took the theaters by storm.  Everyone was quite taken with the benevolent alien trying to get back home, and his growing relationship with Elliott. Naturally, a cereal was made to cash in on its rising popularity.  Eventually, after the cinema run and the release on home video, the interest died out, as did the interest for the cereal.  This was somewhat interesting, in that E.T. wasn't necessarily a generic version of other, more established cereals like most media-linked cereals are.  However, as stated by General Mills, popularity simply waned and it was cancelled.  I had asked if the recent Blu Ray release could be enough to spark a limited run, but sadly, there are no plans.  This alien has gone back home for good.

3.  Crystal Pepsi

Oddly enough, I had contacted Pepsi about this product several times before.  Only released in the US and Canada for one year (longer in Europe and Mexico) before it was yanked.  Did we like it?  Hell yeah we did, it was clear cola!  No longer did soft drinks like Sprite or 7-up corner the market on clear drinks, Pepsi was way ahead of its time with this...or were they?  It actually wasn't all that great, in fact tasting a little worse than regular Pepsi cola, and really only using the gimmick of being clear.  I suppose at that time, science just wowed us despite its laziness to the point that we were excited that a cola wasn't brown.  I suppose we just hadn't seen anything innovative lately.  Once again, the taste must live on only in memory, as Pepsi has no plans of returning to leading the way in soda science with clear cola.  

4.  Hi-C Ecto Cooler

Perhaps one of my favorite drinks of all time, this gem was green, gross colored greatness.  Produced in 1987 by Minute Maid to cash in on the cartoon series "The Real Ghostbusters," Ecto Cooler actually outlasted the series cancellation in 1991 by ten years.  After 2001, it was renamed twice until the flavor was finally pulled.  Having contacted parent company Coca-Cola, once again waning sales led to the demise of this once adored drink, and currently there are no plans to bring it back.  With filming of the third Ghostbusters movie supposed to begin at anytime, I suppose there is always a possibility, but don't hold your breath.  For now, you can actually make your own at home (which I have done several times, with the help of my lovely wife).  http://www.nerdist.com/2011/09/relive-the-80s-by-making-your-own-ecto-cooler/.  Be warned, some of the ingredients may prove difficult to find, so substitutions or ordering online is suggested.

5.  Cheetos Paws

Not the greatest picture, I know, but it seems like Frito-Lay is trying to forget the blunder that is cancelling this product.  In a time where the market was taking off for anything Cheeto (also contributing to my first nickname), Frito-Lay cleverly introduced the exact same product they had been making since 1940, but get this:  in the shape of Chester's paws!  Given the impression that Paws left on consumers, you would think that it would have been around longer than the three years (90-93) it was actually on store shelves.  Sure it was a gimmick, but it was great for kids.  Oddly enough, contacting Frito-Lay reveals that this product was discontinued simply to make room for other products, and not necessarily because of low sales.  What's up, guys?  Did you just think we wouldn't care?  Chester can still be found hobbling around at a store near you, just sans Paws.  However, here is another online petition to bring them back, if you're hardcore http://www.petitionbuzz.com/petitions/bringbackcheetospaws. 

6.  Smurf-Berry Crunch Cereal

This one was brought up by my sister.  Many people don't remember that the Smurfs ran from 1981-1989, making it pretty successful for an animated show.  What better way to cash in on a cartoon in the 80's than with a cereal?  Introduced in 1983, Smurf-Berry Crunch was very similar to Crunch Berries cereal (Captain Crunch).  Does anyone remember the jingle?

"Smurf Berry Crunch is fun to eat
A Smurfy fruity breakfast treat
Made by Smurfs so happily
It tastes like crunchy Smurf Berries
It's berry shaped and crispy too
In berry red and Smurfy blue."

I didn't, so I stole it from a website. A second cereal called Smurf Magic Berries was introduced in 1987, but with the shows declining popularity, Post inevitably discontinued both cereals to make way for new brands. Once again, I asked if there was a possibility of bringing them back, what with the Smurfs movie and upcoming sequel being released, but Post responded with a resounding "no plans at this time." I don't know why, it seems like kids and nostalgic parents alike would jump at the opportunity to purchase these again. Gargamel seemingly wins the day and rids the world of Smurfs related foods. For now, I suppose you will just have to keep buying Crunch Berries and drawing Smurf pictures on the cover like I d...I mean, like some people probably do...but not me, because that is totally weird.

7.  Planter's Cheez Balls

I only added this one because my good friend Jason asked, but many of you may not realize they aren't around any longer.  The product you usually see is either some Frito-Lay version, the most popular Utz Cheese Balls, or some knock-off.  Planters was very cordial when I contacted them, but also assured me that there were no plans to bring them back, most likely due to the overwhelming competition from other brands.  Maybe it is best that Planters sticks to nuts, since, you know, their mascot is a peanut after all...a classy, monocle wearing peanut.

8.  Fruitopia

My personal favorite beverage of the '90's, Fruitopia was amazing.  Released in 1994 by Coca-Cola, this drink put a new twist on juice, and like its name, was Utopia for your taste buds.  It is somewhat debatable to put this on the list, since some of the flavors still exist, but under the Minute Maid label, and from what I understand Fruitopia is still available in Canada and Australia.  However, since Coca-Cola thought it sufficient to discontinue it here in the U.S. (jerks), it sneaks in.  I cannot tell you how many empty bottles of this filled my otherwise unused locker in high school, labeling me what some may call "messy" or Fruitopia junkie, but that is just the opinion of some (all) people.  The Coca-Cola company, surprisingly, isn't what you would call very helpful or press friendly (at least not when it is one writer trying to get information about discontinued products), at least not as much as Pepsi.  Therefore, unfortunately, responses usually go something like "You may or may not know that we discontinued this product, but take comfort in one of our current crappy soft drinks."  Uh, no thanks, Coke.  I'd rather just have the good stuff back.  Speaking of that...

8.  Surge

Great, another interaction with the cheerful people at Coca-Cola.  Now, it was never scientifically proven, but I am pretty sure Surge soda led to children born in the '90's having severe ADD.  With enough sugar to put your pancreas into insulin pumping overdrive, Surge was an overbearing answer to Pepsi's Mountain Dew, and we loved it.  It was basically energy drinks before energy drinks, but it tasted way better than the nuclear horse spit stuff we have now.  With only a six year run, from 1996-2002, parents everywhere gave a sigh of relief.  Contacting Coke, as you can imagine, was a pain in the ass, with another "hey, it's gone, get over it" response.  But not all is lost, as the drink lives on in Norway under the name Urge.  You want to order some?  You can, right here http://www.savesurge.org/urge_usa.shtml.  But be warned, it costs nearly $100 for a pack of five bottles, so hopefully you have the money to back up your motivation.  

9.  Jell-O Pudding Pops

Now, I put the original box on here, but be aware that these were bought by the Popsicle company eventually.  I can really just say "Bill Cosby," and everyone will probably come to this item in their head almost immediately.  They were pretty great, and I am pretty sure most people would remember them that way.  Unfortunately, most people also chose to only remember them instead of actually buying them, so they were discontinued.  As with most of these products, there are no real plans to bring them back, so I guess in the end we really only have ourselves to blame.  Maybe we could start a petition to the Jell-O company to bring them back, but they are probably a little too busy doing the pudding thing.  Does anyone actually make pudding anymore?  Have any of you actually bought some Jell-O pudding from the store?  Luckily, I think they pretty much have the market for pudding cornered, so it is probably safe to say Jell-O isn't going anywhere, but maybe you should go buy a few boxes just in case.  I mean, why aren't you buying them anyway? What, you got something against pudding?

10.  3D Doritos

I have to admit, I didn't care much for 3D Doritos.  However, I can acknowledge that it is about the only thing with the Dorito name I haven't enjoyed, and respect that some of you found these delectable.  I find Frito-Lay (parent company) a joy to work with.  Even though you may get the same answer as every other company, nobody makes your experience quite as pleasant.  This time, when asking why they went away and how "everyone" (I lied) seemed to love them, I got "We hear you!  We're so glad to know one of our past products reached your 'favorite snack' list!" etc.  Yeah, it went into the same "we had to discontinue this to make room for other products" and "We will note your interest" routine, but at least they tried to connect with me.  Even the media people were very nice to talk to.  As you can see, they aren't coming back.  I'm sorry for those of you who actually enjoyed them, but this is one I don't really care to make a comeback, much like our next product.

11.  Butterfinger BB's

I had to use the image with the Simpsons, but notice that Bart, the usual mascot, isn't here.  Probably because even he wouldn't endorse this product, unlike Lisa who probably doesn't eat sweets, and Homer who probably eats literally anything.  I truly am guilty of buying these, even though I never actually finished a bag.  There was just something off about them, and it really is hard to put my finger (no pun intended) on what it was.  The chocolate may have been a little different, but whatever.  Released in 1992, they actually had a nice long 14 year run until they were discontinued.  Nestle politely responded that this product would not be brought back.  Fortunately they found a better formula with Butterfinger Mini Bites, which you can still find.  Lay your fingers on them all you want, because I think the Simpsons stopped caring long ago.  

12.  Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Pies

You guys really break my heart by making me put things like this on my list.  In 1990, you couldn't get away from the mean green foursome, and Turtle Power wasn't slowing down.  With a hit cartoon, motion picture, cereal, action figures, and it seemed like everything down to actual endorsed turtle wax, they decided to dye the original pudding pies and make...well, this.  Now, I don't have a precise year that Hostess stopped production of these, but it is safe to say it was probably around the time TMNT started losing traction with its fans.  Imagine my excitement when I moved to Nevada, and literally 10 minutes away was a Hostess factory.  TMNT had started a new show, a new movie was in the works, and my college was less than 1 mile away down the same street, literally no other buildings in between.  I could just run in there, talk to anyone who would listen about bringing them back!  If no one would listen, I could paint myself green and start a protest outside with all of my friends who want them back (that makes about...only me).  We all know the tragic end to this tale, with Hostess unable to overcome strikes, and inevitably shutting down completely. These, along with other pies, ding dongs, and yes, twinkies, are gone for good.  I still sometimes feel like crying at the gates outside of the building, clenching my fingers around the bars and screaming into the sky, and when I say feel like, I mean maybe I should actually probably stop doing it in real life.  But it isn't like a defunct company can actually enforce those restraining orders.  Oh, and if you want to take a whack at making them at home, here you go http://thesurfingpizza.com/2011/04/22/the-surfing-pizza-takes-on-teenage-mutant-ninja-turtle-pudding-pies/.

13.  Bonkers candy

I will admit that for the longest time I remembered Bonkers being gum, but they are labeled as "fruit candy," so we will go with that.  You may remember this 80's candy as having the commercial where someone would get giant fruit dropped on them once one of these were popped in their mouth.  I chose this product as last on my list to serve as a shining beacon for hope.  Originally produced by Nabisco, Bonkers was picked up last year by Leaf Brands, LLC to be brought back into production sometimes in 2013.  I was able to be put in direct contact with the company's CEO, who assured me that, even though they are a few months behind, they are bringing Bonkers back as soon as they can.  They have even been corresponding with the person who was in charge of the original line to make sure they do this comeback right.  This was the best news I had heard, and it was great to get it directly from such a high source.  Talk about a great approach to bringing back something that a lot of people would love to see (maybe Coca-Cola should take note).  I was encouraged to keep in contact if I had more questions, which you can be sure I will follow up on, so let me know if you are interested.  Score one for the masses!

It is always most enjoyable to write about something you enjoy, and by now I think it is pretty well known I have a borderline obsession with writing about the past.  I had a great time contacting most of these companies, and reminiscing about my favorite discontinued foods (even if some companies weren't the greatest to deal with).  A nice benefit to this was that many companies tend to send out coupons for a free product just for contacting them.  I would highly encourage anyone to not just be satisfied that a product is gone, but seek answers, as with all aspects of life (if you are lazy, just ask me to do it).  We all have many products we miss, whether it be food, toys, or TV shows.  Nostalgia does something to us.  Not only do we reflect on these things as great products from the past, but as a simpler time when we had little responsibility and nothing better to do than enjoy our childhood.  When we think about our past, we are able to immerse ourselves in feelings and memories that cannot be recaptured, and so it goes with most of these foods.  Perhaps it is only now that they are gone for good that we are able to truly appreciate the role they played in our past.  Maybe some were great, and maybe some were awful and our young minds refused to see them that way.  But like I always say, it may not be how it happened, but it's how I remember it. 

My Retro Memory

I was born in 1982. I suppose that is the best way to start this post, since the time frame is quite important. This writing is, for all intents and purposes, to share with you what I remember about growing up, and how those memories have affected my present, and surely will affect my future.

Although I was very young for much of the 80's, I had a brother who was five years older than me that introduced me to many things I may not have experienced otherwise. Lets face it, our early years back then were pretty much engulfed in Fisher Price products. 


There it is, the toy I was most enamored with as a young child. This was not just an airport, it was an entire world in my mind. People flew in, people flew out, they did their business and went about their daily life at this hub and it didn't matter where else they went. Of course there were others, 


but the Little People airport remains at my grandparents house, tucked away, and always brings back memories that I hope will someday be paralleled by my children's.

Now I know that some of these things will be similar to anyone's memory, but hey, somethings are bound to be "coveted" by many people. So it's no surprise that starting out a day, what I wanted for breakfast was not different from what other children wanted, especially whenever a company released a cereal related to the pop culture of the day:

Let's face it, people, the choices that we made for some of our favorite foods was not necessarily influenced by our taste buds, 

but by how popular the product. Yes, we were shallow, materialistic little snots sometimes, but we were kids, and we demanded satisfaction with no responsibility! 

Most of my childhood is remembered in a timeline of toy introduction. During my formative years, my aforementioned older brother and his toys were the objects of my very one tracked affection. I am sure all of you who had an older brother can remember the emulation and adoration you may have had for this "all knowing" sibling, and I was no different. I wanted to be just like my brother, hence I wanted his toys. Most importantly, the big four:


These toys and their corresponding TV shows and movies still affect my life today. How can you find more imagination in Star Wars? The original trilogy had everything: Action, comedy, romance. It taught me so many life lessons, especially "Do, or do not, there is no try."  Thanks Yoda. In fact, you could have subtitled the movies "Star Wars: A New Hope (and you learn a little about yourself too)."  Transformers and He-man offered little in the way of lessons, with the exception of if you want to be an evil overlord, don't send your nemesis to another dimension, just kill him...looking at you, Skeletor.
G.I. Joe, however, gave you the PSA's that gave us so much! Don't take medicine unless given to you by your parents? We don't even NEED the Mr. Yuck stickers

Of course, I won't forget the ladies, after all, my wife wouldn't approve unless I added Jem

which also had those all important PSA's (that ones for you, Allyson, and my big sis as well).
Yes, I won't forget the things that my sister brought to the table. Don't act like you ignored everything that sisters were wrapped up in. My Little Pony, Barbie, Rainbow Brite, I dealt with it all. Oddly enough, I don't recall ever complaining. I mean, I love my sister, so I was cool with bringing my toys along for a crossover special. The cartoons? Well, while they lacked the "manliness" and violence I preferred, I put up with them. 

The most important thing about being a child was imagination. So many of us tend to ignore that very important life recipe as we get older. Sure, while playing we couldn't recreate the woodland battle ground of the forest moon of Endor, and who was lucky enough to have a creek nearby to have a water fight? Most of us had to settle for a puddle in our backyard, but our minds turned it into a scene right out of a movie, rivaling a Michael Bay movie, but with better storytelling. 

I want to take one second to bring up my favorite snacks of the time that I still think about to this day:

...that's it. Pizzaria chips were it for me. You don't like it? Fine, here are a few others I KNOW you will relate to


There are a few others, and they ALL deserve to be brought back...take the hint, you corporation-y corporations (and I know they are not all gone). My father loved the Hostess Fruit Pies, and the pudding pies, so we always had those around. Doritos were a delicacy to my brother and I, and a bag was NOT safe within a 50 foot distance, especially when HBO was playing Ghostbusters or Fright Night, as we intently crowded around the TV in my Grandparents' basement, which was also the site of our many "hide and seek" games. I'm pretty sure my hiding spots were the worst, but who DIDN'T try to hide under the couch cushions? Don't judge me. 

Later on in life as we got older and my brother grew out of toys and playing with his annoying little brother, movies and the products distributed with them controlled much of my time. In fact, some of my favorite memories with my brother and my sister were getting dropped off by my aunt at the mall in Minot, ND, which housed the two, count 'em two, movie theaters for the town. Since those were some of the last moments of childhood where we actually enjoyed each others company for more than ten minutes, I hold those memories pretty high. We would even get the guts to sneak into another movie afterwards. Didn't my aunt ever question the 4 hour movie time span? Not really. In those times, especially in North Dakota, you didn't have to worry about your kids getting nabbed by some pervert. Or at least you just DIDN'T worry, regardless of if you should. But I digress. These movies played quite a roll in my life


Here were four movies that stick out most in my mind. Believe it or not, I actually saw Arachnaphobia by myself (my siblings, I believe, went to Father of the Bride), and I have never had a fear of spiders since. Top Gun directly influenced my decision at that young age to join the Air Force. And before you start telling me Top Gun was about the Navy, it had planes, and that was enough to fascinate me. It was just that later I realized I would rather spend time with planes on the ground than on a big boat. TMNT and Batman kicked off my love for anything vigilante, and also which toys I would play with for pretty much the rest of my childhood...okay, and some of today. 

Turtles were the bees knees, and you know it. I still have most of the original action figures, and the party wagon. I had the complete Batman series figures, although they are all gone now. There were always miscellaneous toys I would play with, Battle Beasts, Starcom, Captain Power, but none of those matched the power of Batman and TMNT (probably because those toys didn't have blockbuster movies associated with them). 

Later on in the 90's I grew out of these toys, as I gravitated more towards sports and, of course, girls. But I haven't forgotten any of them, and I still get the same feeling of nostalgia from the toys and the movies, especially as I walk into my attic and come across the toys, or as I upgrade my favorite movies to Blu Ray. All of these things make me who I am today, at least partly. And as I sit here writing this article in a vintage Optimus Prime shirt and Zubaz pants (not kidding), I can recall all of those special memories like they were yesterday. The bond I had with my siblings, the new world that would open up only when my friends and I would bring our toys together for some outside play time, or the magic I felt going to the movies and being taken away for 2 hours. Not all of these memories happened like I remember them, but I don't think that is what is important. We hold these memories so high for a reason, and we should never lose sight of that. Because once we do, we lose a great deal of our childhood imagination, and the world needs that from us now more that ever. Besides, how are we supposed to show our kids how cool we were, and teach them to be just as awesome?